Saturday, September 24, 2011

Third Time's a Charm (or How to Outsmart the Call Center Technician)


I've been having problems for months with my Dell laptop computer screen fading to black, then the computer shutting itself down.  Of course, this always happens right in the middle of a long document or listing description which I have not saved.  I read post after post in the Dell Support Forums, and had a pretty good idea that the computer was overheating.  Up until today, I have spent hours on the phone with Dell Tech Support, trying to get them to replace the parts that would fix the problem while I still have a maintenance contract.  I warn you...they do not want to fix your computer while your contract is in force, and if you have a maintenance contract that covers only hardware, then they will always tell you your problem is a software issue.
So, after months of fending off the urge to solve this problem with a sledge hammer, I had to find a more creative approach.   Today I figured out the secret.  Let me tell you how it works, starting at the beginning...
The first thing to do is to be sure it's really a hardware problem, because your basic maintenance contract normally will not cover software. Then contact tech support three different times. This will actually be a call center in India, unless you have agreed to pay them an extra $5.00 per month on your contract to be guaranteed an American technician. Yes, it's true, they charge you to talk to an American.  (I wonder if people in India get an American tech that they can't understand, and have to pay extra for an Indian tech?)  Anyway, each time you call, they will read from their script, and will tell you it's not a hardware problem it's a corrupted operating system, and you must restore your system back to factory settings. This is their standard response to any problem you are having.  
The first two times, tell them you did the restore, even though you really didn't. The last thing you want to do in this situation is have to backup everything on your computer, reformat your hard drive, and then have to find all your programs that didn't come with your computer and re-install them, for no good reason.  So in this case, you will have to be willing to tell a little white lie.  You must be prepared to get no satisfaction whatsoever from these first two calls.
The third time, first call your local computer repair shop and ask them for some buzz words to use the next time you call, so Dell will think you know what you're talking about.  You will find that you can use phrases like "heat sink" and "blue recycle screen", and will be able to bluff your way through just fine.  Then use live chat instead of calling the tech line.  
If your computer cooperates, it will shut itself down right in the middle of the chat session.  If it hasn't shut down by then, use your power button and turn it off yourself.  A technician will phone you within 30 minutes of the shutdown.  Here's where it gets exciting!
Right off the bat, as you are explaining the problem for the umpteenth time, act really irritated. This won't be difficult, because you really are pi$$ed that your computer shuts itself down every 10 minutes from overheating. Don't let the tech get a word in edgewise, and keep throwing out those buzz words...you must be vigilant about this. 
Blatantly refuse to do a third restore, angrily informing young Suryanjay that you had to PAY someone to confirm that it's not a software problem, and you've wiped your hard drive twice already for NOTHING because of Dell's mishandling of your problem. At this point, he will back down a little, but will explain that they need to do the remote access thing and do some diagnostics (it's the rules, ma'am). Go ahead and let them, but then if your system hasn't shut down your computer again in the middle of it, turn it off manually again, while at the same time saying into the phone, "hello?"..."HELLO?"..."Suryanjay, are you there?". Then hang up.
The tech will call you back again, and say that your session was interrupted, and you will say, "Yes it was, because THE COMPUTER SHUTS ITSELF OFF EVERY TEN MINUTES JUST LIKE I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU FOR MONTHS!"  (It is important at this stage to steadily increase your decibel level.)   He will ask you to do the diagnostics yourself and then call them back. You will say, "No, I'm sorry, but YOU HAVE DONE THIS TWICE BEFORE AND IT DIDN'T SOLVE MY PROBLEM!"   If you are inclined to use mild expletives, now would be the time.   Be as obnoxious as possible.
The tech will soon excuse himself for a minute, and will come back on the line and politely say "I'm very sorry that you are still having this problem. I will call dispatch and have a tech come to your house tomorrow to replace your fan, heat sink, mother board, and give you a brand new hard drive too, just in case." Hah!!! 
In a few days, you'll have a three year old laptop with nearly 100% new internal parts, two months before the maintenance contract expires!  And waiting in your email inbox will be an offer for a deeply discounted extension of your maintenance contract, which of course you will buy, because now that you know what you're doing you will thoroughly enjoy it the next time it happens (and you know it will).  
I love it when a plan comes together!

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